BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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