My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
