I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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