I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
