So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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