It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
