I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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