Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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