I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
