i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
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dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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