I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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