i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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