The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
