Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize