I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
