I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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