I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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