we have pet lesbian snakes
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
love makes seman taste better
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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