only you would photoshop your dick
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just want nice things and good sex
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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