If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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