So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
