Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
