hotel room ftw
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
