Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
