Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
