Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
