Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
