I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
