He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
