just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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