she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
