time to smoke my breakfast
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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