how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Michael Bay diarrhea
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
