Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
