You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
