i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
