yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
