So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
