Where are you?
In a non slutty way
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
