did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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