That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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