theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i wish my penis had a tongue
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
