Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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