my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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