You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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