Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
