I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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