Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
