You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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