Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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