"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
