Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
