My liver just broke up with me...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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