conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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