dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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