how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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