I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
