I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
